faeriewiccan's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- His dark past... Today, as I was driving my stand partner home, he told me about the movie he's watching in American Government, Bang Bang Your Dead. (He's a freshman...a cool freshman) He told me he really became attatched to the main character, because of everything he went to (bullying from peers and family, suicide). I asked him what parts of this character he saw himself in. So, he told me. When he was in 8th grade, he came home from school (a very shitty day in which he was just given crap from everyone) to be told he was worthless by his dad. So he tried to kill himself. He said he attempted suicide for the first time when he was 7. I didn't know what to say to this. I just thought to myself, "Why can't I say anything?" I could have said something, like, everyone has some attatchment to this character. I could have told him about Barb. I could have told him about me. But the thing is, only three people know that...dark secret. John, Zak, and Madeline (she actually saw what was left, I never told her). I don't know. I feel really bad though. I suppose I'm just not comfortable with the topic of death, but I still feel terrible. I actually went home and cried for a while, feeling pathetic. Feeling worthless. I just wanted to go back to what used to be. I didn't care about what all that shit caused. But then John called me. And everything got better. I managed to disguise my vocal expression and clean up my face so that he didn't know. But I still want to. Why, though? Is it because of my stand partner or is it some unknown demon deep inside me, waiting to break out again? I'm actually afraid that John will see what I may or may not start up again. I don't want that. I want the shape to be private. I want it all to be private and I'm only writing this because one, I'm too lazy to write this by hand in a diary and two, keeping a diary in which you spill out everything is much healthier than keeping it all inside. I feel much better now. Spanky 10:02 P.M. - Thursday, Dec. 15, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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